Interview with a Cat

If cats could speak the human language, the following interview might be real. As it is, it’s completely fake.

So, welcome to this interview. What’s your name?

My name is Felix. I’m a tom cat.

Yes, of course. Felix, how old are you?

I’m turning 16 this summer, which is pretty old for a cat. It’s in my genes – my cousin lived to the world record age of 35.

How has your life been so far?

I don’t look back much. I mean I do remember I was raised, that I like to hunt a lot (mice, birds, or socks), that I like to drink a lot of milk. But I live more just for today.

What are your favorite activities then?

Drinking milk, getting caressed, and hunting, really. I also like to sleep. A lot. Up to 16 hours everyday. That means on average, there’s a better chance you’ll find me sleeping than awake.

You’re a house cat. What do you think separates you from your brothers and sisters out in the wild?

I do go out, of course. I walk the streets at night, meet up with friends, stuff like that. We run around as a clowder, which is what you call a group of cats. But it’s mostly social activity, nothing really needed to survive. I don’t hunt much outside unless for play. I think cats like me lived in houses on and off for the last 3,500 years.

I’ve met quite a few feral cats, which is what they call the domestic cats that ran away or were thrown out by their human owners. I didn’t meet any real wild cats so far, however. Wild cats avoid coming close to the cities, they don’t like humans.

You mention going out at night, what’s it like to practically have night vision?

See, I never experienced it any differently. What’s it like to have no night vision? I mean, it must feel pretty stupid to bump against a whole lot of stuff as soon as the sun goes down.

Well, humans invented artificial light for that...

Right. Why choose the simple solution when there’s a more complicated one...

But I also heard cats have inferior day vision...

Well, during the day, we mostly sleep anyway. But even with eyes closed, I still rely on my sense of smell that’s over a dozen times more powerful than yours. And then there’s my whiskers...

So what’s your favorite smell?

Food. Any kind. I don’t care much about sweets tho because I can’t taste sugary foods.

Now, excuse the curiosity, but how much do you weigh?

Around 4.5 kg last time I checked. I never diet, and just eat what comes along.

How do you like your owner?

I definitely like the caressing and feeding. At times, I think humans should relax more. I wouldn’t switch life with a human for 1,000 bottles of milk. Human life is way too stressful. See, as a cat, you don’t have to answer the phone, argue with your teenage son, or work off your behind for hours everyday.

Other than that, I don’t know much about my owners, and frankly, don’t care to know much about them either.

There’s a rumor you always land on your feet. True or not?

Mostly true, but not always. If you give me enough time to land, I’d say I’ll land on my feet 99 times out of 100... we try our best, I mean why would anyone want to land on their back? Some of my poor cat friends who don’t have a tail, however, they are by far not as good at landing...

Why do you purr when you’re caressed?

I always purr when I’m happy, and caressing makes me happy, among other things. Rarely, my purring means I’m annoyed. Added to the purring, I also often blink slower when I’m happy.

Well, that was very interesting. What are your plans for the rest of the day?

Sleeping. I already ate.

Philipp Lenssen on Wednesday, Jan 4 2006 reg. Cats.